am i depressed, crabby or merely pessimistic?

i can't tell what i am

maybe i'm "depressed" that
i'm getting old
that the world isn't the way i hoped it would be
that i have disappointed so many people
and they have disappointed me
that the world hasn't beat a path to my
unhumble door
that marriage turned out to be
much lonelier and less fun than I had hoped
that my children turned out
overweight and lazy
did i really say that?

is pessimism a bad thing?
my book on survivalism says
pessimists survive better in plane crashes
(is life really a big plane crash?)


let's get back to depression
"age" is kicking in
not in a horrible way either
more like an infestation
by termites or ants or soul-crunching lice
or something

why am i so negative?

has my inherent genetic pessimism kicked in?
is it "the medications"
is it realizing my precious opinions
are likely to molder like a stack
of undelivered mail...
found in an old house
infested by soul-crunching termites

old and confused

i'm feeling old.
i have high blood pressure now
and arthritis in my neck
and i got dizzy during my personal trainer
and i have high glucose
and low potassium
and the chiropractor wants to see my 3x week
ADD, too!

a cop stopped me for driving without my lights (oi vey)
and a woman honked at my after i moved into
her lane (suv? old? bad neck? distraction?)
why keep track of these things?

but i'm fit
and lost 6 lbs and look pretty fucking
good for a guy of 59

my work is in total disarray
after the "meth high" if you will
of doing all those books
("wow!", "congratulations!")
what? i don't deserve that!
take that back!

i painted that big
"green arctic" piece then froze up
like it's "too good" to mess with
ha!

my faux wall street book
just seems like too fucking much work
and i want it to be GOOD

thank god i'm going to the prison today
and afterwards
i might feel grateful again!