letter from the Bad Dad

Dear Kids,

Bad news. Not the worst. No divorce. No terminal illness, but bad for you nonetheless. You might be too young (13 and 16) to appreciate the "badness" of this news, but here it is. I have decided to no longer attempt to IMPROVE my parenting. In the short run this might feel good to you, as I will continue to dote upon you (feeding you, washing your clothes, and being "media permissive") but there may be a time (in therapy?) when you may want to confront me about this decision. For you "N" (16 yr old) it means I won't try to force you to eat vitamins (you could end up in the hospital with scurvy, but hey...), I won't keep saying "when are you going to learn to put away your own clothes and wash them?" You may be in for a shock (probably yes) when you first live on your own. Then again, maybe you'll rise to the task and bring forth that natural organizing skill I've seen you muster. The food thing? You're on your own there. My answer to "What can I eat, dad?" will no longer be "Let's make a list of (the few) foods you eat." It'll be: more tuna? Again, there's a looming issue of mercury poisoning, but I'm crossing my fingers on that one. I'm not going to worry either about your exercise vis-a-vis your eating. If you get "out of shape" and find that unpleasant--just look at how bad a job I did with your younger brother and hopefully you'll conclude you "don't wanna go there." Hopefully. Otherwise, more confrontations in future therapy.
You think I'm being sarcastic? Actually, I'm not. This is really me watching out for myself, for my own sanity, it just SOUNDS sarcastic. Perhaps because I'm calmly delivering it? Can't help that--and--we don't wanna go there--that is, where my parents failed.
Son "L"? I'm going to stop worrying about your anger and thinking you're going to have an unhappy life because of your short temper and generally selfish attitudes. That's not positive thinking anyway! I see you get over moods faster than me, and maybe that'll be your saving grace. Who knows? And your weight? Dude, you're on your own. You might end up being "a big guy" for the rest of your life or not. I can't really do much more about it. Sorry. Very, very sorry. It could be worse, remember that. I could be suddenly killed or disappear, or we could lose all our money or (fill in disaster here)... I'm going to stay here and be me, the bad dad. (And in the history of bad dads? I'm probably only a "5" if a "10" is the kind that kept a Child Called It in a cage!) So, enjoy what you have!
Sincerely,
Dad